by Angela Smith | Jul 3, 2018 | Introspective
Confidence.
What is confidence. Really? Google defines it as this:
o the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
o the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
o a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
I have confidence. I’ve never cared much about what people thought of me—if they don’t like my hair, clothes, or personalities who cares?—and relying on someone I can trust? Sure. I’ve been married for 24 years and trust plenty of people. I know who I can rely on and who I can’t.
I have confidence in people. But appreciating my own abilities or qualities? That is where I lack confidence.
Sure, if someone pays me a compliment about my hair, makeup, or t-shirt I can easily say thank you and truly mean it. I have confidence that I know my job mostly backwards and forwards and everywhere in between and I can easily stand up for myself or someone else. But if someone pays me a compliment about what I did in my job, or my book! Especially my book! Then I’m like…well…just doing my job….thanks…but deep inside I question the authenticity. Or I make excuses (all while saying thank you of course!)
What is it about our being able to display confidence for our work? And maybe it’s not just the work that pays the bills, but it’s the work of our creativity, the thing we really love doing, the thing that matters the most to us that we have such a hard time accepting appreciation?
Do you find yourself doing this? Do you find yourself downplaying some of your strengths, your creativity, or your accomplishments?
I had a great talk with someone this evening, and we talked about my job as a legal assistant and working for the District Attorney’s Office for twenty years. Since I write romantic suspense, I rarely write about my job, but I can use this in my writing or in helping others in their writing (which I have done). She told me how much this can be an advantage for people who aren’t familiar with this type of work but for me it’s “everyday stuff” and it’s an “expertise” because it’s my “day job”. What a great reminder to me when I’m doubting the authenticity of my creativity (especially when it comes to releasing a new book!) But it was also such a reminder of how easy it is to downplay what we are good at. Because I almost did!
My favorite quote has always been by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
This quote has always been so true to me. I’m not blaming my family by any means. I had a large one, and I never wanted to stand out. They all love to shoot and the men are quite good at it. One day we were all skeet shooting. I could never beat my dad or my cousin. But man that day I was in my game! I was on top of the world and I won! Over some of the best shooters I know! I was happy and excited and thrilled. And someone in my family (no sense in saying who but it wasn’t one of the ones I beat) said “well now we’re never going to stop hearing her brag.” But the thing is, I have never been a braggart and this woman should have known this. But it isn’t the only time I’ve been shot down like that by someone I love and respect more than almost anyone else in the world. Someone who has been my lifeline of love and support and not because they are mean or trying to verbally abuse you, but because it’s just simply one of those things in life where people don’t think before they speak. I feel like I have to say that I was never verbally abused. (In this day and age I have to affirm that it wasn’t like that) but it really hurt me and it’s words she will never remember and I will never forget. Because what’s wrong with a little bragging?
It was also an aha moment for me. No wonder I never want to tell anyone of all the awesome things happening in my life. No wonder I didn’t tell people of my writing for a really long time and still cringe when people who know me ask about it. No wonder I continue to downgrade that accomplishment of mine. It’s not just that comment, but several leading up to that one, many I have already forgotten and not just by one person. My life, and the world, and family, and friends and well meaning people and love you and claim they want the best for you.
So what is the point in my story? I am trying, really really hard, to shine. I am trying to get my book known, not because I want to be famous (that’s the last thing on my mind), but because I want to sell books so I can continue to write. Because I love writing. Writing is as much of an art to me as painting pictures or restoring furniture or making music. And artists need to be noticed in order to survive. It’s sad but true. You are supposed to write for yourself, but if you are only treading water trying to keep afloat, it’s a lot easier to give up. You put your art out into the world to somehow find meaning. And I might continue to let my day job and all my other responsibilities get in my way, but I would still like to know I shared something creative with the world.
As a child, many in my century (okay not the right word but I’m going with it) were taught to be careful, don’t brag, don’t put yourselves above others. And although I don’t believe we should be selfish—that’s something entirely different—I do believe that this way of thinking has done some damage to our psyche. I’ve had plenty of family who love me who have also insulted me like I was a “paperback writer” and you know what? None of that matters to me. I am doing what I love. Even if it is a slow process of forgiving myself.
So yeah, that’s my mind at the moment. I have gotten really good at tuning out what I need and the emotions I am feeling (but that’s a post for another day if ever). Creativity is hard! Some share it openly, and some don’t. Maybe there’s a reason or a history behind it, or maybe it’s a trait individual to each person. Whatever it is, I hope we will let our light shine, even if it puts others in the shadows!
What about you? Do you have a hard time letting your light shine?
by Angela Smith | Mar 13, 2018 | Introspective
What does an author do when they receive an email that their publisher is closing effective immediately, but: Titles scheduled to be released through April 1, 2018, will be published as planned, and previously published titles will remain available for consumer purchasing. To that end, royalty statements will continue to be issued, and payments made so long as the books are available for purchase.
It’s every author’s fear, and I’ve heard all kinds of horror stories. Publishing is such a crazy business. Any entertainment business is crazy and there are so many ups and downs. One of the editors, who literally found out maybe a half hour before the authors, said that she had been in publishing for years and you sign up for the ups and downs from the very beginning. She wouldn’t change it for a minute of this fantastic ride!
I might disagree a bit, but man do I feel for the people who put their heart and soul into this business and their authors. You meet so many great people along the way, some you will always keep in touch with whether you ever meet them face to face or not. I am also now connected to a group of people I will never forget and I will turn to again and again for inspiration.
That being said, I’m not giving up. I have a reversion letter sent, which means I will get my rights back to publish elsewhere. I won’t remain orphaned, with a publisher who lets my books sit there just in case they sell but isn’t in business anymore. Keep in mind, publishers have so many sub-publishers (i.e. Simon and Schuster has many publishing lines, so they will remain in business, just not my particular publishing line if that makes sense). It could take a while, but it’s no big deal really. Just more time. It also means parts of the books might change and the covers will definitely change. (Which, honestly, that’s okay because I wasn’t a fan of them anyway).
They’ll be published again. They’ll be different. And they’ll have a new life.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset. I’m upset for a lot of people, and I’m upset that a lot of great people and a lot of great authors have to find new jobs or new homes for their books. And a reversion of rights and republishing isn’t always easy. I’d like to say for me, it’s a new beginning. But I know plenty of editor and author friends who are upset and who just signed contracts and who are affected. For that, I feel greatly for them. I truly believe things will work out in the end, even if we are losing a great romance publisher.
And I don’t really know what else to say, because my thoughts are all over the place with this news…
by Angela Smith | Feb 22, 2018 | Introspective, Writing
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Ugh! I hate conflict! What happened to peace and goodwill towards men?
But as I was editing my novel, I realized my hatred for conflict had carried over into my story. I didn’t want conflict in my story. I wanted it to be happy and create joy and make everyone—including me—feel GOOD! To heck with conflict!
But a story needs conflict to survive. Real life, and real goals, are met with daily conflict, whether it’s getting up on time or meeting your goal for the day or what in the world to cook for dinner. (If only the conflict in our daily lives was THAT mild, huh?)
A story is not a story without conflict!
But ugh, conflict is so hard to write! What to do what to do what to do?
To increase the conflict in my story (what kind of real romance is not without conflict even if onlookers think it’s silly), I made several notes. And several revisions. Meanwhile, I thought of real life and all the conflict that entails.
1. Miscommunication. It’s the worst kind of conflict, IMO. So aggravating! I really don’t like using it in my story because I cringe when I read it. I’m like UGH why don’t you guys have a conversation with each other!?! However, miscommunication is real, it is broad, and, although as much as I’d like to say it’s preventable, it isn’t going to stop anytime soon.
a. Really, truly, you should try to have a conversation before you make drastic decisions
b. Most of us are much better speakers than they are listeners. Communication means listening first!
2. Fear. Yes, a lot of conflict revolves around fear. Someone afraid of moving forward, afraid of getting hurt again, or afraid of getting out of their comfort zone. I really had to think about my characters and what they feared most to really increase my conflict.
a. What do you fear? Is something going on in your life where you know you should make a move but you’re too afraid to. Why?
b. Make a list of your fears and why. Most of our fears can be figured out why. I mean, I’m still scared of monsters under my bed because of my aunt always telling me there was a monster under my bed. I don’t even have a bedframe now, thank you. (Okay, I don’t anymore, but that’s not why.)
3. Dramatism. Some of it we can control, some of it we can’t. We can control melodrama and how we react, but we can’t control some of the things that happen in our life. If my character witnesses a terrible crime (she did) or had to fight for survival (she did), the only thing she could control was what she did next and how she reacted. She doesn’t even always have a choice in who she trusts.
a. In this example, melodrama is something we can control. I.E. overreacting, thinking the worst, and even worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and likely never will.
b. Don’t we do that all? Ugh, it’s the worst feeling. I’m trying hard not to do that, but boy does it sure create conflict in stories (and in my own life).
4. Opposing Characteristics. People annoy us. Let’s face it. Although I’m pretty adaptable and friendly, there are some people I just don’t click with. That can create conflict, if it affects your life. In a story, it can definitely create conflict!
a. Some of my favorite stories and favorite characters are those who started out with a love/hate relationship. Although in reality, I believe friendship is the best, seeing how that love/hate relationship is going to conclude is so much fun to write!
b. Experts say that sometimes, the people that absolutely aggravate us have traits similar to our own. Is there someone who aggravates you beyond belief? If so, note those characteristic and WHY. Is it something you’ve seen in yourself that you’d like to change? (Honestly, I’ve never understood or believed it, but give me a shout out if you’ve found it to be true!
Obviously, there are many things in our lives that create conflict. Sometimes it’s simple, but sometimes it’s way beyond our control. I could go on and on (and maybe I will in another post) but this one has been long enough!
And it did help me create more conflict. Nobody lives a conflict free life, especially in fiction or that would just be boring! And fiction can’t feel real without having some sense of realism.
What do you think?
by Angela Smith | Oct 12, 2017 | Introspective
I recently had a conversation with a friend who said she hadn’t wanted to get her hopes up about a certain something, and it really made me think.
I haven’t wanted to get my hopes up in a long time. Disappointment is such a…disappointment.
But seriously, when I saw my friend so very excited, more excited than I’d seen her in a long time, and that excitement spread to me and everyone around her, it struck me that getting your hopes up isn’t all bad. It’s actually a very nice feeling. Sure, the disappointment isn’t great, but the feeling of complete joy and being hopeful is a good feeling while it lasts. And we should relish our feelings, shouldn’t we? Because they never truly last long. We are so used to turning off grief, or fear, or anger, or whatever it is instead of actually feeling, that we become somewhat robotic.
I told her: “getting your hopes up is a good feeling so don’t stop doing that!” Then I realized I need to practice what I preach.
So my mission is to not be afraid of getting my hopes up in case I experience utter disappointment. It happens in writing all the time, and I learned to stop being hopeful (when receiving a request for a full manuscript, etc.) But that’s sad, too. Not feeling hopeful when you click “submit” or “send” on your manuscript because you’re afraid of rejection is really just a minor comparison, but it is sad that I’ve allowed myself to be that way. Maybe next time I should jump up and shout and smile because yay, I just submitted my manuscript!
Emotions are such a huge deal when writing characters, but it’s also one of the hardest. Especially when I’m not in sync with my own or I’m trying to stifle them. I do love to gauge others’ emotions (real people are such a great learning tool!).
Many of us are great at feeling and shouting out to the world how they feel, but I’m not one of those people. What about you?
What do you think?
This stock photo from Jasmine Star says it all. Find out more about her at www.jasminestar.com
by Angela Smith | Oct 7, 2017 | Introspective
A stalactite (hanging from the “ceiling”) and stalagmite (coming from the cave floor) almost touching at Carlsbad Caverns.
As an author, I love to write about adventure for my characters. I love to experience adventure myself, but only the kind with a safe outcome.
But how can we ever truly know when we’ll be safe?
For our vacation, I really wanted some adventure, but nothing too crazy. No spelunking or diving out of perfectly good airplanes, thank you very much. My husband and I love to hike, backpack, road-trip, and go off-roading in our Jeep (yes, that has its own danger). We love the outdoors, and I prefer my feet to be firmly planted on the earth. Outside. Where I can clearly see what’s going on. And definitely no crowds for me.
So when my husband suggested Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, I froze. Then I tried to list all the reasons we shouldn’t do that. Not when there are so many other good things to see and do.
I mean, I hate dark holes in the ground. 750 feet worth of dark holes, climbing down some cavern that we as a human race can’t really understand. How can we truly know it won’t crumble? Or those stalactites won’t decide to fall. They look fiercely piercing to me. And I really don’t like dark enclosed spaces at all. I don’t really even like elevators, most especially one carved inside a 75 foot story hole in the ground.
We’ll trek down the 75 switchback trail, experience the Big Room, and take the elevator ride back up.
This is where I almost panicked
Growing up in Central Texas, I’ve had my fair share of caverns. Family vacations, school field trips. Why would I want to see another cavern? I’ve actually already been to Carlsbad Caverns as a child with my family. Why go again? Did my husband not understand how traumatizing most of the caverns had been to my young soul? Tour guides turning out the light so you can see there and experience how truly dark it is down there? Barely able to breathe. No thanks. Been there, done that. Probably had a shirt at one time or another.
I wanted to be brave, but I’m not really. I almost had a panic attack on the third switchback, especially after the ranger who took our ticket very excitedly told us we’d be hiking down 75 of them. It’s one thing to be driving up a mountain on a switchback trail, which in hindsight is probably way more dangerous, but it’s another to be underground, the dark, where you can’t see. But it was lit very well, actually. No tour guides turned out the lights and no rocks fell on my head. I felt the fear and did it anyway, and it was an exhilarating experience. I almost turned around on the third switchback, and I most assuredly almost cried. But the further we hiked, the more comfortable I became. Even brave enough to walk ahead of my husband and stop holding his hand down the long trek (although that was nice, and any excuse to hold hands, right?)
And it was massive. Nothing like an underground hole at all. It is amazing beyond words, and the history of this cavern is amazing. The fact a 16 year old boy discovered it when he saw what he first thought was smoke and wondered where it could be coming from back in 1898, then discovered it was bats flying out of a cave that he would later explore. A 16 year old, born in Mason County, Texas, who moved to New Mexico. He built his own ladder from wire and wood and held the ladder in one hand and a kerosene lantern in the other. To find out more about James White, just Google his name. Or better yet, visit the cavern and learn from the history there.
This stalagmite is still growing and one of the largest in the world. I can’t remember the exact history now, unfortunately, but it was amazing. Pictures can’t do this justice.
Needless to say, I had an amazing time and I am glad this tiny but pervading fear did not ruin such a wonderful experience. Seeing it again now, after all these years, was amazing. And I would definitely go again.
Fear is such a funny thing, and different for everyone. Some people can jump out of a perfectly good airplane but scream at spiders. But fear is a true emotion that is wonderful to conquer.
Mind you, I won’t ever conquer the fear of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, but crawling down a hole and then rushing back in an elevator fixed into that massive hole 75 stories below ground now doesn’t seem so bad. And these experiences always make me a better writer as a carve adventures for my characters.
Do you have any fears that, on the outside, seem so silly but on the inside are actually huge and terrifying?
by Angela Smith | Oct 6, 2017 | Introspective
I’ve had a lot of fun in my life, and I’ve also had plenty of losses as well as routine. Most times, I’d choose routine, but there are times you have to get out in the world and explore. Still, in this day and age with so many bad things happening, it’s hard not to feel anxious.
On Monday, after learning of the shooting in Las Vegas, my husband and I were going on vacation and were planning to take the first road trip out of state that we’d taken in three years. We love road trips! We also love to cram as much as we can into a short amount of time and not really have a plan. However, this road trip, on many levels, gave me a lot of anxiety, especially because of the recent tragedy in Vegas so soon after all the natural disasters across the world.
It really makes one want to hunker down indoors and hide sometimes.
It’s especially easy to hunker down when you have so many other responsibilities at home. A budget, pets to care for, family who might need you, and our work-in-progress remodel. For some people, it’s easy to pack up and go at a moment’s notice and for others, it’s a hard thing to even consider. Despite the ongoing tragedies, we decided to stick with our unplanned plan and take our little road trip. And boy did we not regret it, even though we almost did!
On our way home, tragedy almost struck! If not for my husband paying attention and what I now joke with him as his martial artist skills behind the wheel, I might not be alive to make this post today! (I think he gets a kick out of me bragging on his martial artists skills behind the wheel.)
Tragedy really makes you realize how quickly things can happen in an instance. How much you should cherish each moment. I’ve had plenty of losses, and with my Type I Diabetes for 36 years now, I wake up everyday thankful to be alive. Something so many of us take for granted. I’ve had plenty of scary moments with low blood sugar reactions. But still, things can change in an instant.
My husband and I were about five hours from getting home. The speed limit was 75, and he was going about 70. It was dark enough for the bright lights and there were 2 lanes on our side but one on the other and not a divided highway. A long and straight highway, but not without its issues! My husband had just dimmed his lights for traffic on the other side of the highway.
He was looking over my direction and I asked what and he said there was something beside us, not on the road but kind of like it might have been a train and he was trying to figure out what it was. Then, suddenly, a white Ford F250 pickup pulls out from either a store or a café (or a bar since he was really stupid about it). There’s another vehicle behind him, but not right up against him. He pulls out, takes up both lanes of our 2 lane road, and stops or at least hesitates as he looks to be about to pull into our lane. We don’t know why. Probably because he realizes there are 2 18 wheelers barreling down on the other side of the road where he is trying to turn.
There is no way, no how anyone with the best brakes could have avoided hitting him. I’m somewhat just dumbstruck at this point because I am sure we are about to die. And it’s still dark or more like dusk but light enough you can see the road and the ditch you may or may not flip into.
So my husband, hoping the other car doesn’t pull up behind this pickup because we’d hit him instead, brakes and pulls into this café or store or whatever it is (it really isn’t a town, but you know how things are on the outskirts of a town) right behind the truck, just barely missing his backend. There’s a ditch and shoulder. Thank God there aren’t any curbs like many towns and such have. He moves around him, back onto the shoulder, the shoulder is one of those bumpy really ditchy where the concrete is thicker than the dirt and ditch if that makes sense. There’s a drop off but not a culvert, and a harsh transition between road and land. Then I’m thinking, well we didn’t hit him but we’re about to lose control and hit the ditch and flip or overcorrect and go on the other side of the highway with all these 18 wheelers. But he managed to get back on the road and keep driving like nothing had ever happened. I distinctly remember the sound of the tires while driving between the shoulder and the ditch, where the concrete just dips off into the ground. As we are talking about it afterward, he later recalls the sound of our ridge grappler tires and says he’s very impressed with the way they handled the situation. Well, I was impressed by the way he handled the situation and later told him he probably didn’t see a train but our guardian angels. Even my husband, who is calm, cool, and collected about most things, thought we were about to die. It was a bad situation. Probably neither we nor the drive of that truck would have survived at that speed. I later joked with my husband: “Well, we did want to go off-roading!”
But we came out of it. We got home. We aren’t scarred, and we had a lot of fun! We crammed a lot of stuff in like we always do on our vacations! And I couldn’t stop thinking about the Vegas victims, and so many people who are killed in tragedy or in wrecks that happen in the blink of an eye. Most of them would probably tell you to go out and live your life, don’t be afraid of what might happen. I went down the 750 foot cave of Carlsbad Caverns almost panicking in the first drop because I’m so afraid of the dark and enclosed spaces, and yet it was so exhilarating!
Oh, and on our trip we stopped for gas and our Jeep didn’t start because the battery went dead. A Good Samaritan at the gas pump helped and we were able to make it to an auto parts store. He didn’t know us, and we didn’t know him, but he didn’t hesitate to help us! In this day and age, it can be scary to offer help or ask for help.
In these tragic times, when everyone is wondering what is wrong with the world and how can we make this a better place, I offer one solution: kindness. So many heroes in this world today, but we don’t have to save the world in order to truly save the world. Living our life, experiencing everything that nature has to offer us, and sharing our experiences with the world can help change our world. Offering a smile to a stranger, helping them when they need a jump-start in a totally different state, or being there for someone when they need to talk it out. Most of us can’t explain or imagine how anyone could make the decision to take a life, and some other people might say we all have violence within us. In the world I live in, and seeing the worst at my job in prosecution, I still refuse to believe that. I still believe in kindness and the intrinsic good in most of us. And I refuse to stop living my life and exploring just because I’m afraid of what might happen. I do believe we are at the cusp of change and it might not be the best of changes, but I also believe we can make it through stronger, with a deeper understanding and appreciation of humanity.
So smile! If your life isn’t what you want it to be, maybe you just need to offer a smile to someone else! Maybe you need to make a list of everything you are grateful for! Just in case…just in case it’s the last smile you will ever give someone. And just in case it’s the last gratitude list you ever make. We need to put our differences aside and share love, not hate and propaganda!
Thanks for reading this far as I process everything going on. And now for some pictures!
