by Angela Smith | Jan 31, 2016 | Introspective
We’re a month into the New Year! So much accomplished already and feeling grateful! Yet why do I feel I should be doing more?
I’ve always been a really self-disciplined person and very goal-oriented, so taking time off to relax has never been easy for me. But something has happened to me over the past while where I feel I’ve lost my mojo. Is it age? Not that I’m old by any means, but is it just the realization that hard work doesn’t always really matter in the grand scheme of things?
My year started off just terrible. I lost a cat to diabetes and another one got really sick and was diagnosed with Intestinal Bowel Disease (IBD). Who knew something like that existed? Not me, until it happened, and I’ve always tried to feed my cat the best of the best (or so I thought).
My husband and I never had kids, so my cats are my children. Not only have I taken on a few more than the two I originally had, but I have taken to feeding feral cats, even managing to tame many. Just call me the crazy cat lady! Riley was my first, and she’s 10 and a half years old. I’ve had her since she was weaned from her mother at about six weeks or so! I hate seeing her sick like this. Managing her IBD is a continuing struggle, and I’m constantly having to try new things just to get her to eat when before she always wanted to eat.
As the month closes and another one opens, I can’t help but wish I could have done more. I’ve been practicing daily gratitude, and I know it’s very important to continue this practice, but as I reflect back on everything I’ve accomplished this month, I can’t help but think it’s not enough.
I decided to reflect and share my accomplishments. Maybe sharing will help me gain some perspective. So here goes:
- Numerous vet visits; learned a lot about Riley’s IBD and making positive changes to help her (ups and downs with her eating and worried sick).
- Continuing remodeling project while living in the house
- Finished Liberation with publication date of February 14, 2016
- Sent YA (young adult novel) off for edits and beta read
- Got 2nd round of edits for romantic suspense story; working on those now to submit to publisher later
- Submitted YA (rejected, but alas, that was before the beta read, and I’ll try again!)
- Completed a cleanse diet (lots of fruits and veggies, with taking a break from caffeine, processed foods, and alcohol) (A writer taking a break from coffee! Unheard of! And the occasional red wine is a must!))
- Started new story
- Managed to get up earlier a few times a week so that I could write, but not near enough (those warm blankets feel too good in the morning)!
- No matter what day, even when I stayed up until 2AM working on house, I was still up by 7 AM to feed feral cats
- Watched Centennial. This was a big deal to me since I’ve always wanted to re-watch it; something I did as a young child with my family that I wanted to celebrate for my 40th birthday
- Celebrated my 40th birthday without losing my mind (even while most of my family forgot)
- Helped prepare for a murder trial at work (and continuing work related issues not mentioned)
- Other work related and personal issues best not mentioned
And yet in those 30 days of accomplishments, I still don’t feel I’m doing enough and still don’t feel accomplished. What is it that causes that feeling? Do you ever feel this way?
A couple of things I can pinpoint are that I haven’t exercised as extensively as I used to. The cleanse diet and the remodeling (half the time I feel I’ve done a thousand deadlifts without actually doing them) has stopped me from this goal. Also, the remodeling project is taking a lot longer than I had anticipated, but it’s really hard to be completely constructive when you have a full time job and other responsibilities. I’m convinced it wouldn’t take as long if we weren’t actually living in the house while remodeling! Not exercising is the worse form of feeling unsatisfied and unaccomplished, IMO.
My husband does collision repair for a living. His job is physically hard, and yet he comes home to do remodeling. His job also entails sanding Bondo and things of that nature. And yet, after 15 minutes of sanding our walls after mudding, I’m ready to cry!
I guess we are living in a world of want more, do more, be more. I’m happy with my life and the way things are, and yet I wish my deck project could be built in one weekend. After all, isn’t that what all the HGTV shows tell us can happen? And my drywall projects (for every single room), shouldn’t they be done within a day or two?
Alas, no. Everything worth doing is worth doing well, and that generally means slowly unless you are really really good at your job and that’s all you do without working full time and being a writer, too I suppose. Or just rushing through. So I’ll take one day at a time, and remember to be grateful for each and every moment I have!
by Angela Smith | Jan 16, 2016 | Introspective
I love this photo above! It depicts how my life has been lately, and how I feel surrounded my waves of turmoil, my only path out a rocky terrain. But each day, the water of my troubles gets lower, and I’m finally able to breathe.
It’s been a rocky year! And once again I’ve failed at my goal of keeping up with my blog. But so many things have come up that it’s hard to keep up with it, and I find myself pushing it low on my list of priorities. 2015 has ended, we’re two weeks into the new one, and I turn FORTY in four days!
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, and the last few months of 2015 and beginning of 2016 brought on a lot of stress and trauma. Car problems, house problems, remodeling problems. I lost an aunt around the holidays and had a few scares with some family members who got sick and hospitalized, including my dad and grandmother only a few months apart. My pet rooster (JoMean) was violently killed by a neighbor dog practically right in front of me. A beloved cat passed after struggling with feline diabetes, and another (Riley) got very sick only a week later. Then another beloved pet member (Romeo) went missing for a few days, and I almost lost my will to remain positive and grateful. way too much to handle to close together without any breathing room in between. But lo and behold, everything worked out and Romeo came home, Riley is getting better, and we are making positive changes to everyone’s diet and routine.
JoMean
But throughout it all, I finished a story, sent edits off to my editor on another, and started even another. I cleaned up my own diet and took on a Fresh21 cleanse (another blog topic for later perhaps?) after battling some severe allergy issues. I remembered to speak gratitude over my life and found my Word of the Year.
During those writing spells, I tried to plot, yet again, and found myself stuck, putting it off, finding myself editing instead of writing. Hey, editing is just as important, but I’ve got to write in order to have something to edit. (You can’t edit a blank page after all, says Queen Nora Roberts!) I forgot my own advice of doing what works for you, and I tried to plot my novel in hopes it’d go faster. It definitely didn’t go faster, because I got stuck for months!
I should probably add that throughout all this, my husband and I have been remodeling while living in our home. I can’t even think about it right now, but it’s kind of taken a downward spiral after finishing the kitchen, and that’s another topic for another day as well. Needless to say, throughout those months, I found some great crockpot recipes! And one day, maybe I’ll have a floor again!
I’ve got a lot of goals for the year, but I find myself being less goal-oriented as I get older. It’s sad, as I feel I should be more focused and more goal-oriented, but I’ve also learned how important it is to have some down time. Maybe that’s because 2015 was a whirlwind of busy-ness, and I’m ready to slow down. Hopefully that downtime will include having more time to read this year!
What about you? Do you have any specific goals for 2016?
by Angela Smith | Nov 21, 2015 | Introspective
I didn’t post about writing this week. I didn’t write much of anything this week, although my editing mode is kicked into high gear. With everything going on in the world, I don’t have the energy to say what’s on my mind and don’t feel anything I say or write is appropriate.
I’m saddened by what’s going on throughout the world, and no words can speak the right words. As Thanksgiving draws closer, I find it important to speak what we are thankful for.
Along with this past week’s tragedy, my aunt/great aunt/grandmother’s sister died last night after a long bout with cancer. I’m thankful for the time spent with her. She was such a beautiful woman, inside and out, and a woman I admired greatly. We had some really great times together. She’d been married to the same man for many, many years. I don’t really know, I just know it was as long as I can remember, and I feel very sad for him to have lost the love of his life.
I know many people are suffering from the loss of this special woman.
And yet, no matter how sad it is for everyone to be left behind, I know she was living the life she wanted to live. There are undoubtedly things she still wanted to do, things she will miss out on, but she went after her life full force while she still had the chance. And, no matter how hard that is sometimes, it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves. The more I do it, the happier I am.
Despite the loss of my aunt and the tragedy this world has faced, I continue to have problems in my family. Sometimes, there are things you can never turn away from. No matter how much forgiveness and acceptance you offer, some things will never be the same. Words spoken, words unspoken, and the fact many can never understand the other’s point of view, and most will never even try. The titter of people’s gossip growing into a raucous exaggeration that ends up hurting relationships. I feel that rut very deep in my life right now.
Things will get better, and sometimes you have to turn your back on relationships that are toxic, no matter how much it hurts.
Toxic relationships aren’t always about how someone has affected you in a negative way. Sometimes it’s the way people are when they are together. Sometimes it’s the opinions they feel they have to express, when it’s best they swallow their words. Sometimes it’s the fact they only see inward instead of looking in the mirror, or instead of looking out into how others might be affected by the words or situations you think is only hurting you.
No matter what happens, it’s important to remember love. No one is promised tomorrow, we all know this. The tragedy and ongoing threats of our world a perfect reminder. Sometimes speaking forgiveness isn’t enough, and sometimes those who won’t practice humility will never know what they’re missing.
So this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the experiences I have, good and bad that have made me who I am today. I am thankful for the relationships I’ve had, past and present, and those I’ll never have again. I wouldn’t be who I am today without them.
What are you thankful for?
by Angela Smith | Nov 11, 2015 | Introspective
I’ve been reading Jackson Galaxy and Kate Benjamin’s Catification book and just love the ideas it’s given me for my multi-cat household to have some play areas without looking like a cat lady. Today I decided to try something using some of the ideas I found. I didn’t really have a plan, just wanted a small project using a concrete foam board wrapped in sisal. I knew I’d need to line it with something, so decided to use an old pair of jeans that I had set aside for sewing projects. The cats love our jeans, so I thought it’d work perfectly.
This was a simple, short craft project. I love crafts! In one short afternoon, here’s what I came up with:
Tools: scissors, concrete foam board, sisal rope, and hot glue gun.
Note: this was the only glue gun I had, but I’d recommend using a larger one! My hands were cramping after this project, and this mini glue gun was a slow and agonizing process.
The sisal rope wasn’t long enough, but I had more. I decided I didn’t want the whole project in sisal, so I decided to use old jeans.
I lined the inside with the jeans, cutting out and pasting one of the pockets inside for a little extra hidey holes for cat play. We’ll see how that works out.
One end was lined with denim, but the other end needed something. I used feather fabric, which was an idea from the Catification book.
The final project!
It’s easy to do your own catification diy! Since I’m still in the process of remodeling my house, I hope this simple project will find a place in my new, planned cat area.
by Angela Smith | Sep 12, 2015 | Introspective
My husband and I are still tending to remodeling our kitchen. We are close, so close that we picked out and (finally) agreed on the tile that is going on our countertop.
We walked into a tile shop totally by accident. We were driving down the access road and I saw this sign: Floor and Decor that indicated a flooring place. I have never heard of it, even after all my flooring research. My husband, who had missed the turn because he was in the middle lane and it was way too busy to try to scooch over, begrudgingly turned the next street over and drove down a back way to get pretty much exactly where we needed to go.
We found the tile, the perfect tile. And now I have high hopes of finally having a countertop.
Before that, we had gone to another flooring place and got to listen to a special workshop with free lunch. A free lunch with cookies. So I’d say it was the perfect day.
One of the speakers at the workshop was talking of hiring your contractor. Before she spoke, we ran into each other and told her we were doing this on our own. After listening to her talk, I realize how small of a project we have taken on compared to what she discussed. But wow, has it seemed huge.
Remodeling together really makes you appreciate your other half. Or not. I’m thinking he might be on the Or Not side with me, if only because I’m ready for things to be done and he goes at his own pace. But I am being patient, about as patient as a girl can be.
by Angela Smith | Sep 7, 2015 | Introspective
I stumbled upon this post the other day about women’s rights and living in the 1960s era, and what women in the 1960s were not allowed to do:
http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/07/living/sixties-women-5-things/
I thought it was very interesting because of Solace. Solace is a novella, the first in a series about soldiers returning from Vietnam. It is written in the late sixties, early 70s, and it tackles many issues that were faced in that timeframe: ongoing racism, animosity for war and the soldiers who fought in it, and women who were just finding their rights and, in some areas, still fighting for their rights.
In the small (and made up) town of Chapman Springs, Texas, women are fighting for their rights to work, to own their own businesses, and to be recognized as an important and individual part of society. At the same time, the Vietnam War is going strong and returning soldiers are struggling to adapt to their world when they return home. In Chapman Springs, a group is formed that does not support these soldiers, or these women. This group of men want to control Chapman Springs with an iron fist and see that nothing changes, nothing grows, and yet nothing remains the same. They are called the MAWB, men against women-owned businesses. And yet many people say they are against women and blacks, against the war and the soldiers returning from the war, and against anything that doesn’t conform to their beliefs.
I wasn’t even doing research at the time the above linked post made it on my homepage search engine, but I consider it a sign to keep writing the novella series I’m writing, especially at a time I was having doubts.
So thank you, CNN.
