Confidence.
What is confidence. Really? Google defines it as this:
o the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
o the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
o a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
I have confidence. I’ve never cared much about what people thought of me—if they don’t like my hair, clothes, or personalities who cares?—and relying on someone I can trust? Sure. I’ve been married for 24 years and trust plenty of people. I know who I can rely on and who I can’t.
I have confidence in people. But appreciating my own abilities or qualities? That is where I lack confidence.
Sure, if someone pays me a compliment about my hair, makeup, or t-shirt I can easily say thank you and truly mean it. I have confidence that I know my job mostly backwards and forwards and everywhere in between and I can easily stand up for myself or someone else. But if someone pays me a compliment about what I did in my job, or my book! Especially my book! Then I’m like…well…just doing my job….thanks…but deep inside I question the authenticity. Or I make excuses (all while saying thank you of course!)
What is it about our being able to display confidence for our work? And maybe it’s not just the work that pays the bills, but it’s the work of our creativity, the thing we really love doing, the thing that matters the most to us that we have such a hard time accepting appreciation?
Do you find yourself doing this? Do you find yourself downplaying some of your strengths, your creativity, or your accomplishments?
I had a great talk with someone this evening, and we talked about my job as a legal assistant and working for the District Attorney’s Office for twenty years. Since I write romantic suspense, I rarely write about my job, but I can use this in my writing or in helping others in their writing (which I have done). She told me how much this can be an advantage for people who aren’t familiar with this type of work but for me it’s “everyday stuff” and it’s an “expertise” because it’s my “day job”. What a great reminder to me when I’m doubting the authenticity of my creativity (especially when it comes to releasing a new book!) But it was also such a reminder of how easy it is to downplay what we are good at. Because I almost did!
My favorite quote has always been by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
This quote has always been so true to me. I’m not blaming my family by any means. I had a large one, and I never wanted to stand out. They all love to shoot and the men are quite good at it. One day we were all skeet shooting. I could never beat my dad or my cousin. But man that day I was in my game! I was on top of the world and I won! Over some of the best shooters I know! I was happy and excited and thrilled. And someone in my family (no sense in saying who but it wasn’t one of the ones I beat) said “well now we’re never going to stop hearing her brag.” But the thing is, I have never been a braggart and this woman should have known this. But it isn’t the only time I’ve been shot down like that by someone I love and respect more than almost anyone else in the world. Someone who has been my lifeline of love and support and not because they are mean or trying to verbally abuse you, but because it’s just simply one of those things in life where people don’t think before they speak. I feel like I have to say that I was never verbally abused. (In this day and age I have to affirm that it wasn’t like that) but it really hurt me and it’s words she will never remember and I will never forget. Because what’s wrong with a little bragging?
It was also an aha moment for me. No wonder I never want to tell anyone of all the awesome things happening in my life. No wonder I didn’t tell people of my writing for a really long time and still cringe when people who know me ask about it. No wonder I continue to downgrade that accomplishment of mine. It’s not just that comment, but several leading up to that one, many I have already forgotten and not just by one person. My life, and the world, and family, and friends and well meaning people and love you and claim they want the best for you.
So what is the point in my story? I am trying, really really hard, to shine. I am trying to get my book known, not because I want to be famous (that’s the last thing on my mind), but because I want to sell books so I can continue to write. Because I love writing. Writing is as much of an art to me as painting pictures or restoring furniture or making music. And artists need to be noticed in order to survive. It’s sad but true. You are supposed to write for yourself, but if you are only treading water trying to keep afloat, it’s a lot easier to give up. You put your art out into the world to somehow find meaning. And I might continue to let my day job and all my other responsibilities get in my way, but I would still like to know I shared something creative with the world.
As a child, many in my century (okay not the right word but I’m going with it) were taught to be careful, don’t brag, don’t put yourselves above others. And although I don’t believe we should be selfish—that’s something entirely different—I do believe that this way of thinking has done some damage to our psyche. I’ve had plenty of family who love me who have also insulted me like I was a “paperback writer” and you know what? None of that matters to me. I am doing what I love. Even if it is a slow process of forgiving myself.
So yeah, that’s my mind at the moment. I have gotten really good at tuning out what I need and the emotions I am feeling (but that’s a post for another day if ever). Creativity is hard! Some share it openly, and some don’t. Maybe there’s a reason or a history behind it, or maybe it’s a trait individual to each person. Whatever it is, I hope we will let our light shine, even if it puts others in the shadows!
What about you? Do you have a hard time letting your light shine?