As Angela’s blog states, Love is a Mystery. So who am I to give relationship advice? Well, I’ll tell you, I’m an expert. Self-appointed, that is. I’ve had a number of “practice relationships” that came to an end. I believe sometimes no matter the work and love we put into a relationship, it runs its course and painfully and achingly the dreams of what could have been are what we have. And we move on.

 

For me, moving on brought me to my husband of many years now. But when MC and I married, immediately we were pulled deeply into constant stress for a variety of reasons. But we were invested in working toward coming together during hard times rather than letting outside stressors pull us apart. We set our sights on harmony.

 

So I’ll put on my fake relationship expert glasses and share some things I’ve learned, FWIW.

 

Everyone‘s relationship is different, so what works for one couple may be terrible for another. We’re each individuals with our own issues to work out over our lifetime. Put us together with another and buttons get pushed, power struggles tug, feelings get hurt or ignored. I’m stating the obvious, but sometimes I think we go into a long-term relationship in denial that lasts for years. We do destructive things to each other and ourselves, we hide from each other, we settle for a small life.

 

 

In my novella Two Days Until Midnight, as the hero and heroine begin to develop a relationship, the heroine, Lark Ellis, wants to hold back her secrets. She’s uncertain she can be lovable considering what she’s done.

 

Tamier closed his eyes, clinging to the sense of wonder and peace spreading through him, and trying to ignore his spontaneous impulses to reach for her. “I do know I don’t want this moment to end.” He stepped close to her, so close he felt her breath on his face. She didn’t move away, and he looped a lock of her hair behind her ear, sinking into the soft feel of it. Oh, how he wanted to kiss her lips, but he stood suspended in doubt nanomillimeters away.

“Tamier.” She stared at his mouth. “You don’t know everything about me.”

He pulled his eyes from her lips and looked into her eyes. “I don’t expect I do.”

“There are things I want to tell you, but I’m afraid.”

“Don’t be. If there are things I need to know, you’ll tell me or they will come up.” He nuzzled the soft spot under her ear and into her neck, all of his senses exploding with sensations.

“Tamier,” she whispered.

“What?”

“Remember later that I warned you.”

 

 

This actually happened to me when MC asked me to marry him. I told him something similar and he responded as Tamier did in this excerpt. It felt like impending doom. It took some time for me to realize what I’ll call my first relationship tip: Be forthright. Take the risk to reveal your true thoughts and feelings and fears and share even the hard stuff.

 

 

Allow for conflict. It’s okay to have discord and differences of opinion and even to hurt one another, just face it. I learned pretty late into my relationship with MC that he could be angry and he could think I did something terrible, and I could disagree, roll over in bed, and go to sleep. It’s not a sign you’re not in love in more or that one of you is a terrible person. It can mean you are capable of expanding your rules for a happy relationship, and you and your partner can survive it.

 

How you ask? Tip three. Communicate. Speak, listen. Weigh your words and get to the meat of things. It’s a trip into where you hurt or your partner hurts and it leads to intimacy, the kind that is a meaningful internal connection. Accept that you may not, after all, be the best at communicating. Maybe both of you are unskilled, so another tip: Don’t make everything personal. Yes, a relationship should be personal, but not everything is a statement about you. When you can see that what’s being said isn’t personal, you’ll see yourself as less flawed, less needy, and you’ll be able to tolerate criticism and differences of opinion. You can have meaningful communication.

 

Be the delightful person in your partner’s life, the one who lets him or her be themselves. You be you, an individual, and allow your partner the same. I’ve told my husband, I don’t want a superman, I want him. I don’t need him to be fearless all the time and in control of my happiness. Being real is so much better.

 

 

So this tip must be number five: Don’t settle for distractions and control as the glue that holds your relationship together. Be responsible for your actions and expect the same from your other. If there isn’t money for another pair of shoes, don’t demand them anyway. If you truly “need” that fabulous but expensive pair of shoes in order to feel happy, don’t settle, look deeper inside yourself. Distractions are never as satisfying as real emotional growth.

 

Tip number six is a secret to lasting, meaningful relationships: Value intimacy. Yes, I mean sex. Making love to your partner boosts chemicals in your brain that support your connection. But don’t think of intimacy as only physical. Work to be so close to your loved one that you cherish him or her. You’re a part of each other at that point because you’ve shown respect, adored who he or she really is, done personal work, and are a fully individuated individual.

 

Just before I take off my fake relationship expert glasses, I’ll share my last tip: Cultivate fun and laughter. In the business of living, we can go for days without having any fun or laughing out loud. Share jokes, music, art, whatever makes you smile. Let your relationship expand to a point you never expected it could go.

 

 

About Lynn Crandall

Lynn Crandall started spinning stories as a child when she tried to entertain her younger sister at night when they were supposed to be going to sleep. In the dark, her stories typically took on a scary or paranormal element — didn’t do much to put her and her sister to sleep. Today, she hopes here stories still fail to put readers to sleep, but rather take them on a journey. That’s what she’s been on since she decided to make writing her focus. As a reporter and magazine feature writer, she truly enjoys learning as she works on stories. As a romance writer, she enjoys following an evolving story of her characters. She loves to tell stories about characters who don’t back down and use their challenges to grow.

Find more about her and her books at her website: http://lynn-crandall.com/