Today, Jill Culiner shares the grumpy side of love!

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Yes, I know. Angela has invited several of us to discuss relationships, love, and romance. And, here I am, with a grumpy title. It’s not that I don’t believe in love, or that I think it can’t work out. On the contrary, I write romances because falling in love is such a wonderful experience. But keeping love alive is tricky — although, according to long-term marriage specialists like Susanne Mathews and Erin Kane Spock — it’s certainly worth all the effort.

“Oh, come on,” says the devilish imp who is snuggled permanently into a cozy nook deep inside my brain. “Haven’t you’ve seen enough couples who’ve been together for ages, but are so awful to each other, they shouldn’t even be allowed to live on the same planet?”

Yes, we all know couples like that — the ones who stay together out of habit, or fear, or financial security, or lack of something better to do. I remember meeting one particularly ill-assorted pair at a dinner party. She, Carole, hated her husband Larry, you could see that immediately, although they’d been together for years. At one point in the evening, a few people began telling jokes, and Carole (her teeth clenched tightly) said: “Larry has a joke too, don’t you Larry? Don’t you have one joke? Go on, Larry, tell your one joke. Tell it the long way, like you usually do.”

That memory has stayed with me all these years… I think you can see why. And, I’m also sure you know couples that — even if they’re still caught in the first heady flush of romance — just aren’t going to be a long-term item. And when I happen to find these disaster-bound couples in a romance book, it’s even more frustrating. You know their glowing faces will soon be glowering at each other in the divorce court. So, let’s analyze why they’re doomed:

1. Can we really believe that the sulky bad boy who suddenly falls in love and becomes Mister Nice Guy will stay that way? Really? Nope. You and I know that bad behavior will surface again, just as soon as love’s passion and glitter calms. Sulky, chip-on-the-shoulder people have a life-long affliction. And ditto, for the self-centered, spoiled brat heroine.
2. How about those all multi-millionaire sheikhs, princes, princesses, heroes and heroines? Can bubbling indoor fountains, fast cars, sleek designer togs, and consumer goods, really keep a couple together? Isn’t all that excess more likely to, only briefly, mask everything that will never, ever be right? How about conversing with each other? Sharing interests? Having goals? Dreams? Think about what their prenuptial agreements look like (yes, rich people always have them) and those stories don’t look so cute, after all.
3. Have you read a romance where the new couple spends a romantic evening together watching television? Do you find that idea stimulating? What will they be doing together in ten years time? Yup, you’ve got it. Watching television. Ho-hum.
4. How about the baby obsession? How many books have you read where a baby is the reason people suddenly decide they are in love? Guess what will happen in a few years time, when everyday frazzle, sulky children, or an appointment in juvenile court, wears flayed nerves thinner.
5. Okay, macho domineering heroes have been out of fashion for a long time now. But what about the modern heroes who have to bend over backward to please a heroine? Why do they have to do that? Because she’s icy cold, or defensive, or damaged, or fearful, or suspicious, or obsessed with making a success of her business. Frankly, if you want to enjoy life, this lady should be avoided at all costs. She isn’t going to warm up: all she’ll eventually do is join a sect, or go into therapy. And our hero, with his excess of flowers, chocolates, phone calls, and tickets to paradise, is probably no gift to women either. He’ll end up smothering any heroine. He’s the sort who can’t leave you alone to think. We’ve all met people like that too, haven’t we?
6. The hero or heroine with an obnoxious family: can their romance work in the long run? Don’t believe it. That obnoxious family will still be there, making trouble after the wedding, after the career change, when the children come, or the new house is bought, or when grandma’s will comes to light. The only way to keep romance alive, is if the hero and heroine move to Outer Mongolia and forget to send their new email address to the toxic relatives.
7. Sex. Great sex. On the bear rug, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the sauna, in the pool, in the sea, on the photocopy machine, under the boss’s desk, in a closet, in a car, in the forest or the jungle, on a fast-melting iceberg, in a bowl of warm soup. All that plunging, howling, climaxing, gurgling, whipping; the endless wanting. Hey… guess what folks: there’s going to come a day when either hero or heroine just isn’t in the mood. That’s when the sulking starts, or the migraine, or the bad temper, or the resentment. And the “lovers” haven’t even had a chance to find out if they have anything else in common.

So, what’s the solution? Let me tell you another anecdote:

A few years ago, I went traveling around the USA on trains and buses. One morning, I stopped in a sleepy, scruffy town in northern Florida. The next bus out wasn’t until that evening, so I spent the day taking photographs and poking my nose into odd places.

By late afternoon, I was pretty tired — walking around with a heavy backpack and camera equipment can be exhausting — and I was also mighty hungry. However, no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find a place to eat.

I went up to a rather sweet-looking man and asked if he knew of a place that was open. He smiled, took in my backpack, my walking boots, and came to the conclusion that I was a homeless person. Immediately, he gave me the address of a local charity that provided free meals to the needy. “If you go there in about two hours, they’ll be open.”

I opened my mouth to explain that I wasn’t homeless, that I was just looking for a decent restaurant, when he added: “I go there every evening. They’re great people.”

So, I simply thanked him.

We stood there chatting for quite a while — he was kindly, interesting and, because he spent a lot of time in the local library, he knew a lot about Florida’s history. Eventually, we said goodbye. I watched as he went into an alleyway, came back out wheeling a rather battered-looking bicycle loaded with the many bundles homeless people lug around with them. And on the back of the bicycle, he’d attached a big sign. And the sign said: Be Nice.

So, that’s my solution, folks. Be nice. All of us have to be as nice as we can. And if we do that, love can work, relationships can last, and all the nice heroes and nice heroines will keep on smiling.

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